[NOTE: This is the third of a multi-part series on the subject of love, lovers, and loving. To read the first post in this series, please follow the link HERE. The second post is HERE.]

FRIENDSHIP 

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind,
nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations
are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
-Kahlil Gibran, ‘THE PROPHET: On Friendship’

            The subject of friendship ought to be fairly straightforward and risk-free. However, the existence of sin, together with self-interest’s corrupting influence, has complicated and tainted everything pertaining to human life and relationships. And it thus poses a threat to the whole notion of friendship…against which Christian truth must rise in defense.

Friendship in Slhouette

Friend: The Etymology of the Word

            The word “friend” comes to us by way of our Gothic and Norse ancestors…passed down from them to the Germans and finally to the English. Here is a bit of its etymology as given by the Merriam-Webster Unabridged Dictionary: Middle English frend, from Old English freond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, relative, Old Norse fraendi blood relative, friend, Gothic frijonds friend; all from the present participle of a Germanic verb represented by Old English freogan, freon to love, Old Saxon friohan, friehan, Old Norse frja, Gothic frijon; akin to Old English freo free.

      Thus it is clear that the roots of friendship extend all the way back through the concept of close blood-relationship on through the final flowering of  the ideals of love and freedom. True friendship still consists of love and freedom. It is not friendship if it is not founded upon the principle of genuine unselfish love for another and does not free the other to fulfill their fullest potential rather than confine and inhibit. 

Friendship & the Spatial Awareness of Absent Loved Ones

Three Stages of Ol Suit.

Awhile ago I asked (the focus group involved in developing this series) whether anyone thought there might be an awareness of the presence of absent loved ones (family, friends, etc.) by those who love them. The general consensus of responses was that, “no, no such awareness exists”. (I think there was one dissenting vote though I have forgotten who cast it.) 

Yet, permit me to dissent from the majority opinion for I still believe that this is possible. I believe it mainly because I have experienced it and still do. Perhaps the disagreement on this point arises from my poor description of the phenomena. I did not mean to imply that one carries about within them an intimate, particular, and complete knowledge of what the others are doing (as though I say to myself, “Well, well.. (my daughter) J___ is just now entering the Winn-Dixie!”). Rather, I mean that when I think of my life and the world, I cannot think of it without J___ being in it. I am aware of her presence in that way. For as long as we both shall live, my world will be subject to the emotional and spiritual “field of gravity” that her life and influence have on my heart and thoughts. I am always aware of her presence – even though, at times, at an almost sub-conscious level – as I move throughout my day. 

Friendship

How Friendship Love Emerges from Parent-Child Love

            This is a love that has grown beyond the boundary of mere parent-child love for now she is a young woman with a mind and existence all her own, with thoughts and acts that are independent of those I have instilled in her. Our relationship still retains, of course, much that once belonged to that parent-child relationship but it has now transcended that elementary stage. She is no longer merely my daughter. She is now my sister in Christ, the wife of T___, the mother of my grandchildren, K___ and N___, and brings those elements of her life into whatever relationships she has…whether with me or any other. 

            Now J___ is my friend as well as my daughter.  And I cannot think of “my world” apart from her presence in it. I think I find confirmation of this awareness in the words of an old hymn, entitled ‘From Ev’ry Stormy Wind That Blows’: 

There is a scene where spirits blend,
Where friend holds fellowship with friend;
Tho’ sundered far, by faith they meet
Around one common mercy seat. 

            I have dear and precious friends in Wyoming (the H___es) to whom I do not speak nearly as often as I would like. Yet, frequently, as I go throughout my day I am aware of their presence in the world and of our “contact” in the place of prayer. They have likewise mentioned having such a feeling on their part. There is a love between us that – in certain aspects – is more seasoned and fully-formed than even the love my wife and I share in that area. I think this is so because of the greater length of our relationship and our experiences together (the H___es and I). I have a love for them that is -in its own way – as intense and pleasurable as any other love. A joy that finds no rival in any other relationship. And it is this way in regard to many other people I know and love. 

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“When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart. For as long as you remember me, I am never entirely lost. When I’m feeling most ghost-like, it is your remembering me that helps remind me that I actually exist. When I’m feeling sad, it’s my consolation. When I’m feeling happy, it’s part of why I feel that way. If you forget me, one of the ways I remember who I am will be gone. If you forget, part of who I am will be gone. ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.’ the good thief said from his cross (Luke 23:42). There are perhaps no more human words in all of Scripture, no prayer we can pray so well.”
–(Frederick Buechner from ‘Whistling in the Dark’)

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            If there is, then, one superlative gift God gives to His children it is this ability to passionately love one fully without loving others less. 

A Warning Against the Corruption of Friendship

            Now let me hasten to add all that the Scripture states about that love. For the married, friendship-love must not become a rival or substitute for that love existing between spouses. If it does, it has taken a wrong turn, it has somehow become corrupted, it must be redeemed and put right. All that 1 Corinthians 13 says about genuine love will be -nay, must be! – kept intact in love for love to be love, or else love stops being love and starts being the enemy of love. (Think about that for a while!) 

            Here is a part of what God has to say about genuine love… 

4 ¶  Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head,
5  Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
6  Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
7  Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
8 ¶  Love never dies.      -1 Corinthians 13, ‘The Message’ 

            I must not allow my phileo- or agape-love for someone other than my mate to begin to become a competitor for that wholesome spousal-love or I have failed myself, my God and my mate. 

The Delight of Friendship

            But there is in friendship love an experience of holy pleasure and sweet delight as real as anything available in marriage…though it is of a different “flavor”, or sort, or manifestation. I cannot fully describe for you the intensity of joy I have felt, at times, to hear Brother or Sister H___ laugh or talk or pray. Because there is such a wealth of proven love between us, such a long history wildly strewn with repeated acts of kindness and grace, the fruit of our friendship is sweeter than it is possible for me to describe! This is, I believe, a part of the gift God intended when – on the day of Pentecost – they were of “one heart and one mind”. The church’s failure to consistently achieve and demonstrate this kind of passionate, holy love for one another is the chief reason why the world does not believe our message…and why so many of us are dissatisfied in it. 

            Jesus acknowledged that this kind of love was not only possible to us, but necessary, when He prayed in John 17: 

20 ¶  “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message,
21  that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.
22  I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one:
23  I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” 

            I do not know if we will ever witness this kind of unity and love in “epidemic” proportions throughout the church. I only know that it is God’s will that we should. We cannot decide for others to love in this way; we may only decide to love in this way ourselves. 

            Sometimes, friendship-love “morphs” into the more full and complete love of husband and wife when it may do so without breaking God’s commands or violating its vow to another. J___ and B___, you will remember the B___ family, (W___ and F___)…           

Friends in Love

            When they first met, W___ was married and F___ never was. For over twenty-five years they saw each other only in the light of friendship. F___ was a teller at the local bank and W___ was a railroad engineer. But one day, after W___’ first wife had passed away from cancer, they began to see one another as something more than friends. F___ had long ago given up any idea about being married because she was, (in the cruel language of those around her), “an old maid”. But now, suddenly, love blossomed and they had fifteen wonderful years together as husband and wife before F___, too, passed on. 

            My point here is that godly love may lead to unexpected places…but it will always, only do so in full compliance with the teaching of God’s Word regarding holy love.

(to be continued)

Next: ‘Love & Death’

PART ONE
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PART TWO
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PART THREE 
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PART FOUR
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